Healing From a Breakup With Anxious Attachment

The idea of attachment types, of which there are 4 (safe, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized), stems from attachment idea, which says that the connection you had together with your caregiver(s) as an toddler and younger baby informs how you’ll join with others in your grownup life. Although it’s not a brand new idea, attachment idea is having a second on TikTok (the hashtag #attachmentstyles has over 24 million views), as extra folks flip to the framework to higher perceive their love life and the way they strategy and act inside relationships… and through breakups.

Folks with an anxious attachment type, specifically, expertise frequent nervousness about potential abandonment, sometimes on account of early childhood experiences with a caregiver who didn’t (or didn’t reliably) meet their emotional wants. In consequence, they usually search reassurance from a associate¹ that they nonetheless like them and need to be with them.

In grappling with my very own attachment points, I’ve discovered myself worrying about what my present or potential companions had been doing once we had been aside, questioning their emotions for me and whether or not they shared my imaginative and prescient for our future, and primarily ready to see in the event that they would go away me. It’s no surprise, then, that the eventual breakups despatched me spiraling.

“A breakup prompts our survival response and triggers our abandonment wound, which may make us really feel like we gained’t ‘survive’ the breakup.” —Tana Espino, LMFT, psychotherapist

“Attachment is about survival, it develops in infancy, and that will get triggered throughout breakups if we haven’t healed right into a extra securely connected system,” says psychotherapist and somatic coach Tana Espino, LMFT. “A breakup prompts our survival response and triggers our abandonment wound, which may make us really feel like we gained’t ‘survive’ the breakup.”

Associated Tales

Beneath, specialists share why a breakup hits in another way when you will have an anxious attachment type and their greatest recommendation for making it by. Regardless of how troublesome it might really feel if you happen to’re within the wake of your individual breakup, it’s necessary to recollect: You’re not alone, and there’s hope.

How an anxious attachment type can have an effect on your expertise of a breakup

Breakups might be troublesome for anybody, however “folks with an anxious attachment type usually expertise breakups extra intensely² in comparison with these with different attachment types,” says Amy Chan, creator of Breakup Bootcamp and host of the Breakup Bootcamp podcast. In spite of everything, those that have an anxious attachment type have a predilection for feeling deserted or uncared for based mostly on early childhood experiences—which may make breakups really feel that rather more destabilizing after they occur. And the tendency of anxiously connected folks to attach their very own sense of identification and self-worth with the validation of a associate can additional worsen the expertise of a breakup, says Chan.

That is definitely been true for me. My sense of vanity completely plummeted when every of my previous relationships ended as a result of I had come to base my price on how a lot my associate cherished me. At any time when considered one of my companions determined to finish issues, I felt like I had misplaced every part—as a result of I had made him my every part. As is typical for anxious attachment, I had let my different relationships with family and friends members fall the wayside and even sacrificed hobbies to focus solely on the connection and the validation I gained from it, leaving me with seemingly nothing in its wake.

Processing such massive emotions of loss or rupture can ship the nervous system into overdrive, says Espino, main somebody with an anxious attachment type to react with a fight-or-flight response. “They could begin to do no matter is of their energy to keep up the connection,” says Espino, “even on the expense of their very own wants and values.” This response can set off some irrational and ill-advised choices, like begging your associate to remain, altering issues about your look to see if it’ll change their thoughts, or utilizing bodily intimacy as a last-ditch effort to keep up some type of reference to them.

How one can heal from a breakup if in case you have an anxious attachment type

Because the saying goes, time heals all wounds. For those who battle with anxious attachment, although, the method of therapeutic from a breakup might take you extra time and power than it might for people who find themselves securely connected, however it is going to be effectively price it in the long run. Use these tricks to embark on that journey:

Distance your self from the state of affairs

As tempting as it might be, checking up in your ex’s Instagram or hanging round their favourite native espresso store and hoping to “run into” them gained’t do you any good. (Belief me, I’ve been there, and it by no means helps.) Somewhat than maintaining your self in shut proximity to the individual or state of affairs that has induced you a lot ache, Chan says that going no-contact is important to the therapeutic course of.

“This step is essential as a result of continued interplay can reinforce the neural pathways related together with your ex, making it tougher to your mind to adapt to the brand new actuality of the breakup,” says Chan. “By reducing off contact, you allow the method of synaptic pruning, which is the mind’s approach of eliminating pointless neural connections, facilitating therapeutic, and transferring on.”

Keep away from overthinking

Ruminating on the breakup, why it occurred, and what your ex is experiencing or considering not often helps. As an alternative, such overthinking can develop into a vicious cycle that prolongs your struggling and delays the therapeutic course of additional, says Chan. “Thoughts-reading, catastrophizing, and making assumptions about how little they’re feeling the influence of the breakup are all cognitive distortions which amplify stress and nervousness,” she explains. “Even when your ex had a safe or avoidant attachment type, likelihood is, they’re processing the grief, too, of their distinctive approach.”

Transfer your physique

“As a result of a breakup prompts our [nervous] system, we have to concentrate on getting again right into a extra regulated state and feeling safer inside,” says Espino. To do this, she suggests participating in somatic work.

That may seem like breathwork, meditation, yoga, and even dancing—any bodily approach you can begin to reconnect together with your physique and floor your self in self-love and compassion.

Unsure the place to start out? Do this yoga-for-heartbreak move:



Search help out of your group

In my very own previous breakups, I’ve usually come to appreciate simply how a lot time and power I had invested into my relationship with my former associate—usually on the expense of my connections with my family and friends. Weeks and even months would go by the place I ignored texts from my girlfriends asking to hang around or forgot to name my mother again, all as a result of I used to be fully engrossed within the individual I used to be courting. It wasn’t till after a breakup occurred that I’d notice how necessary it was to have folks in my sphere past a associate.

While you’re coping with anxious attachment throughout a breakup, leaning in your help system will help remind you that you just’re not being deserted or left alone, and that you’re nonetheless cherished and appreciated. Chan recommends reaching out to these in your life who gained’t choose you and can maintain house so that you can categorical and course of your emotions.

It’s additionally a good suggestion to share with them the methods during which you’d wish to be supported. “Allow them to know that you want to a listener who affords empathy quite than recommendation,” suggests Chan. “Since not everybody is aware of easy methods to help somebody who’s grieving, it is necessary to information them on how greatest they will help you.”

Shift your focus to one thing new

Selecting not to consider your ex or the breakup is usually simpler mentioned than completed, however it’s necessary to ensure that this former relationship doesn’t occupy your entire current psychological and emotional house. (I can say with expertise that listening to unhappy music and scrolling by previous photos of you and your ex will not do you any favors.)

As an alternative of giving into self-punishment, participating in new actions that may distract you from the breakup will help remind you that there are higher issues on the horizon. “Whether or not it is studying a brand new ability, assembly new folks, or touring to new locations, these experiences assist your mind evolve and adapt, lowering the dominance of neural pathways linked to your ex,” says Chan. “This strategy successfully reshapes your neural panorama, aiding within the restoration course of.”

A couple of concepts? You’ll be able to arrange a standing film night time with your folks, meet up together with your coworkers for joyful hour, or attempt a brand new exercise class in your space. Even beginning a brand new ritual or routine, like taking lengthy walks together with your canine each morning or trying out a weekly farmer’s market, will help you construct a brand new life and constructive actuality with out your ex. “It’s okay to have wholesome distractions whereas we’re therapeutic from a breakup, with the intention to deliver ourselves extra ease,” says Espino.