If you get jealous, “your thoughts tends to fill within the gaps with worst-case situations and assumptions that aren’t at all times grounded in information,” Quinlan explains—which is why she recommends difficult this narrative with logic. So earlier than assuming the worst of your companion and throwing out accusations, cease and ask your self: What different proof do I even have that they’re nonetheless caught on their ex? Chances are high, you’ll have a neater time constructing a case for the way a lot they care about you—possibly they supported you throughout a troublesome profession transition or despatched a considerate message this morning—which may put these doubts to relaxation, Quinlan says.
One other option to put issues right into a extra rational perspective? Flip the script. Do I comply with any previous flings on social media, and does that imply something romantically? (Most likely not!) Over time, Reynolds says, an everyday fact-checking behavior can assist remind you that your jealous ideas aren’t at all times correct or sensible.
3. Be intentional about prying into their romantic historical past.
Rehashing previous relationships collectively may be helpful—it’s a chance to mirror on what you realized from these previous experiences and what you need extra (or much less) of transferring ahead. That stated, figuring out each little element about their wild intercourse life, say, or dissecting each struggle they’ve had most likely gained’t do you any favors.
Earlier than you begin asking nosy questions, Reynolds says it’s value checking with your self first: What’s the purpose of figuring out this proper now? For example, will studying what number of instances every week they attached really enhance your bed room life? Will it aid you perceive and help your companion higher? Or will their response simply encourage a brand new picture you’re higher off not having in your thoughts?
As a substitute, she recommends reframing your curiosity into extra open-ended questions that’ll hold the dialog productive and snug for everybody concerned. So swap “What did your ex do this pissed you off essentially the most???” with one thing like “Did your final relationship educate you something about resolving conflicts or dealing with arguments on the whole?” (See how that tweak focuses on development quite than comparisons—and sounds a complete lot higher?)
4. Embrace what’s proper in entrance of you.
Top-of-the-line methods to maintain your companion’s previous relationships from overshadowing your happiness, based on each consultants, is to shift your focus to the wonderful connection you’ve gotten within the current. “Keep in mind, the previous is previously for a motive,” Quinlan says. “And it’s necessary to acknowledge that they’re selecting to be right here with you now.”
You may keep grounded in your present state of affairs by training gratitude for what (or who) you’ve gotten right now, she says—maybe by making a listing in your notes app of what makes your bond particular and referencing it every time your retroactive jealousy creeps in. Or actively strengthen your connection by creating new reminiscences collectively: Plan a weekend getaway in a metropolis you’ve each been dying to discover, say, or flip occasional date nights right into a weekly custom. The extra you pour into your love life, the much less you’ll really feel the necessity to measure it towards their previous.
5. Discuss by way of your jealous ideas collectively.
Opening up about your emotions does not have to show right into a heated confrontation or a dramatic confession about your low vanity. It’s extra about going through challenges (on this case, retroactive jealousy) as a staff, quite than letting it create distance between you.