Regardless of how a lot you like your associate, there are in all probability one or two—okay, perhaps 4 or 5—little issues they do this drive you up the wall. Maybe your endurance wears thinner with each loud, obnoxious slurp of their seltzer. Or perhaps you wish to chuck their valuable cellphone throughout the room each evening after dinner, after they can’t appear to cease scrolling lengthy sufficient to concentrate to something you say.
If a sure behavior actually will get beneath your pores and skin, it’s best to convey it as much as your associate sooner somewhat than later—earlier than resentment builds up and also you instinctively snap at them, Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a New York Metropolis–primarily based medical psychologist who recurrently works with {couples}, tells SELF. That mentioned, Dr. Romanoff provides, there’s one frequent mistake lots of people make when trying to handle or “repair” their important different’s irritating behaviors.
“Don’t criticize somebody with out an actionable request,” she says. For instance, she recommends avoiding critiques like, “You all the time overlook to inform me about your plans till the final second,” or “It’s so annoying that you simply don’t clear up after your self and I’m caught washing your soiled dishes.” Complaints like this won’t solely make your associate really feel attacked (and subsequently defensive), however they’re additionally not very productive, because you’re not providing a constructive manner for them to resolve the problem.
So as a substitute of solely specializing in what they’re doing mistaken (and the way they’re pissing you off), “clarify the impression it has on you and make a request for what you’d like them to do as a substitute,” Dr. Romanoff suggests. With the situations above, for instance, she recommends extra constructive suggestions like, “It bothers me while you don’t inform me about your plans till the final minute. Sooner or later, may you give me a heads-up, in order that I don’t keep up all evening questioning the place you’re?” Or, “I’ve observed the dishes pile up within the sink. How about we clear them collectively proper after we eat, so that they don’t linger and begin to odor?”
Shifting the dialog in the direction of an answer is extra more likely to result in a significant dialogue, Dr. Romanoff says, and fewer more likely to lead to an argument. “Your associate gained’t really feel such as you’re nagging, they usually’ll in all probability have a greater understanding of how they affect you and how one can operate higher collectively,” she provides.
You possibly can even use this technique for much less severe points, just like the seltzer slurping we talked about above, she says: You possibly can say one thing like, “I don’t wish to nitpick you, and I do know you’re not doing it on objective, however I really feel actually agitated after I hear that noise. Might you presumably drink a bit of quieter?” That manner, once more, you’re maintaining the deal with you and providing a fast repair, which ought to make your associate extra open to adjusting their habits—and stop you from dramatically pouring their pineapple Spindrift down the drain in a match of rage.
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