Passive Communication Style—Examples, Definition, and Meaning

It’s Friday evening and your companion asks you the place you need to go for dinner. There’s a brand new Italian spot you need to try, however you reply, “You choose,” hoping that your SO will know to recommend it. As an alternative, you find yourself going to their favourite restaurant, which you dislike, begrudgingly. Sound acquainted? If that’s the case, it’s possible you’ll be relying too closely on a passive communication type to specific your needs and desires.

Passive communication is one among 4 kinds of communication types, together with aggressive communication, passive-aggressive communication, and assertive communication, as supported by a 2021 examine¹ on main college youngsters. The least assertive of the communication types, passive communication stems from a need to prioritize the sentiments of others over your personal. Usually a product of social nervousness, passive communication can appear like being oblique along with your needs, permitting different folks to speak you out of what you need with little pushback, and being apologetic about your needs.

Whereas passive communicators could take up this communication type as a protection mechanism or to placate others of their lives, it might have the other impact, leaving others confused, irritated, and even offended. Most significantly, speaking solely in a passive method restricts you from totally expressing your needs and desires. So, in the case of constructing robust relationships, passive communication is fairly ineffective, however how do you cease speaking passively with others?

We spoke with specialists to piece collectively a complete information to passive communication, together with its definition, causes and results, indicators you is perhaps a passive communicator, and the best way to cope with a passive communication type in your self or others.

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What’s passive communication?

Put merely, passive communication is a kind of communication by which somebody develops a sample of withholding their opinions, wants, and values to keep away from confrontation or difficult conversations. “Passive communication dances round what you actually imply,” says Tara Alexander, PhD, LCSW, and CEO of Conquer Battle. “As an alternative of attending to the purpose, an individual tries to cover or soften the reality via their phrases, actions, or physique language.”

“Regardless of somebody’s efforts to grasp us, we’re more likely to really feel unseen and unheard, as a result of nobody can see or hear issues we didn’t say.” —Sara Kuburic, existential psychotherapist

Extra direct types of communication embody assertive communication, which is respectful of others’ ideas, emotions, and limits, and aggressive communication, which is direct and “tramples” the others’ emotions, says Dr. Alexander. Examples of aggressive communication embody tense physique language—crossing your arms, rolling your eyes, and so on.— and will even embody shouting or bodily abuse. This communication type is supposed to intimidate the opposite particular person into seeing your perspective. Assertive communication, alternatively, includes loads of eye contact and relaxed bodily actions that make the opposite particular person really feel seen and understood. This sort of communication goals to prioritize directness, honesty, and respect in successfully asserting your wants and needs with one other particular person.

Lastly, passive-aggressive communication combines parts of each of its namesake communication types. “Passive-aggressive communication is essentially the most tough [to understand], in my skilled opinion,” says Dr. Alexander. “It’s communication by which folks categorical their feelings by not doing one thing, subsequently they will deny it.” Widespread examples of passive-aggressive habits embody delivering backhanded compliments, utilizing merciless jokes or sarcasm to make others really feel small, giving somebody the silent remedy, not directly refusing requests, and outright ignoring somebody after they’ve requested you to do one thing or try to speak to you. This may appear like “forgetting” to reply a textual content or strolling in the other way each time somebody tries to strategy you at a celebration.

What are examples of passive communication?

When you have a tendency to put others’ wants over your personal, you could have a behavior of passive communication. “The passive communicator typically values exterior concord above inner concord,” says therapist Dea Dean, LPC, LMFT. “They typically defer to others, internalize their emotions and needs, and neglect their very own needs to be heard, attuned to, or understood.”

Based on Dr. Alexander and Dean, some examples of what passive communication can appear like embody:

1. Not telling somebody while you’re upset

In case your roommate didn’t comply with via on taking out the trash, you may settle for their “pushback” for why they didn’t bear in mind—”I didn’t really feel prefer it”—with out expressing your personal experiences or emotions. Your suppressed anger or frustration may trigger you to be much less responsive when your roommate tries to have an informal dialog with you later within the day, which can paint an image of you as a moody particular person of their thoughts since, so far as they’re conscious, you haven’t any cause to be upset with them.

2. Giving into what another person needs to do regardless that it’s not one thing you’re occupied with doing

This may appear like going to the films along with your companion for the third time in a month regardless that you’d a lot fairly go for a hike or have a picnic on the seashore. Somewhat than inform your companion you need to shake up your date nights, you maintain it in to keep away from upsetting them or stepping into an argument.

3. Not taking a stand

As a passive communicator, you may reply with a imprecise hum when a good friend dismisses your opinion, regardless that you actually need to inform them how strongly you disagree with their perspective.

4. Making an attempt to seem small

Bodily, passive communicators will tackle a closed posture, with their arms closed, head down, eyes down, torso turned sideways, or legs crossed.

5. Not telling the entire fact

This may appear like you telling your companion you’re “comfortable to make dinner” after they abruptly invite their mates over. In relation, although, you have been trying ahead to having fun with a home-cooked meal alone with them.

6. Complaining about conditions however by no means asking for particular assist

You’re lugging the newest grocery haul into your home when your roommate or companion appears up from the place they’re watching their favourite TV present on the sofa solely to be met with a “hey.” Regardless of how a lot huffing and puffing you do, they don’t supply to assist and also you’re caught unloading all the pieces your self. When you may assume your groans of annoyance are sufficient for them to get the trace, you set off asking them straight that can assist you since you don’t need to disturb them. This failure to speak could create stress and trigger resentment to construct when verbalizing your wants could have been a fast repair to this concern all alongside.

What causes an individual to be a passive communicator?

As talked about, individuals who favor a passive communication type are likely to prioritize conserving the peace with others over expressing their very own emotions. “They’re extra comfy managing or ignoring their very own emotional dysregulation fairly than risking another person turning into upset with them,” says Dean. “It’s doable that they’ve realized to guard themselves and keep away from emotional ache or battle by pleasing others, or they have been conditioned to worth sacrificing [their wants and needs] for the good thing about others.” If, over time, this habits was “rewarded” and the particular person was capable of keep away from battle by implementing these conversational ways, this could reinforce the passive communication type.

What are the professionals and cons of passive communication?

Not like aggressive communication, passive communication requires the particular person speaking to be thoughtful of others’ emotions, which may be extremely useful in making an attempt to successfully get throughout one’s ideas and opinions. The downsides to utilizing a passive communication type, nevertheless, embody failing to totally categorical your wants, opinions, and values, which may depart you with resentment, damage, and frustration says Sara Kuburic, an existential psychotherapist and creator of It’s on Me.

“Regardless of somebody’s efforts to grasp us, we’re more likely to really feel unseen and unheard, as a result of nobody can see or hear issues we didn’t say,” says Kuburic of passive communication. In different phrases, our mates and family members aren’t thoughts readers and may’t guess what we’d like. So, as a lot as we’d like for them to know what we’d like with out verbalizing it, we’re extra more likely to get what we would like if we’re capable of talk it to them straight. “There’s a chance that we’ll assemble a story about being a sufferer in a relationship as a result of our voice isn’t being honored (even when we didn’t use it),” she provides.

A passive communication type may also restrict your capability for “clear, sincere, weak, and intimate relationships,” says Kuburic. So, if in case you have a historical past of issue forming shut bonds and relationships, it might be that you simply’re withholding an excessive amount of of your self to actually let different folks in. This will likely trigger the passive communicator to really feel lonely, remoted, and fully misunderstood.

Along with being detrimental to your relationships, an solely passive communication type can show harmful within the office. For instance, if a healthcare skilled is worried about an error however passively stays silent, it may hurt their affected person, as outlined in a 2023 evaluate² printed within the journal Medical Schooling. Right here, passive communication is ineffective and harmful, however there are some situations the place it may be helpful.

In fact, there may also be constructive parts to passive communication, says Dean. “It’s a stunning high quality to be accommodating, gracious, and understanding towards others; nevertheless, it will possibly change into an issue when there may be an imbalance in reciprocation,” she says. “The purpose is to carry look after others with the identical weight of look after self.” So, when you’re a passive communicator, your pals and family members possible worth that you simply take the time to think about their views and opinions, and that you simply exit of your method to accommodate their wants. It’s necessary to recollect, although, that we will’t please everybody and that the easiest way to make sure everybody’s wants are met is by caring for our personal first.

How to answer a passive communicator

If you already know a passive communicator in your life, you’ll be able to take steps to make it clear that you simply care about their opinions and desires with out shaming them for being hesitant to specific themselves. “To cope with a passive communicator, first allow them to know that you simply need to know what they assume and really feel, and ask if they’re motivated to make these modifications,” suggests Dr. Alexander. This will likely take a while since a passive communicator will naturally be reluctant to specific their ideas and feelings overtly. Make it clear that you simply’re coming from a non-judgmental place and need to hear them out. Then, after they do open up, ask questions, be thoughtful, and keep away from being defensive, if doable. “Mannequin assertive and sort communication your self,” Dr. Alexander continues. “If you discover a passive assertion, ask them to pause and provides an assertive reply. They could should go to remedy or take a course in assertiveness.”

The way to overcome a passive communication type

You might not have to overhaul your strategy to speaking when you really feel prefer it isn’t hindering you. “The purpose in relationships—whether or not they’re romantic, platonic, enterprise, or familial—is for there to be steadiness and reciprocity of care,” says Dean. “If somebody is of course passive, but nonetheless feels the liberty to specific their views, needs, feelings, or boundaries when it’s necessary to them, there will not be an incredible want for change.”

That mentioned, passive communication is a realized habits, and subsequently it’s doable to unlearn it, says Dr. Alexander. “Being an assertive communicator is a talent that may be taught,” she says. “Like all new talent, with follow, it can change into computerized and easy.”

If you wish to unlearn your passive communication type, it might enable you follow verbalizing your needs and must others. “If a passive particular person is persistently feeling frightened of being sincere or talking up for themselves with readability and compassion, it may gain advantage them to start practising respectful assertiveness,” says Dean. “…An assertive particular person demonstrates the willingness to take up emotional area by outwardly expressing their wants, needs, and feelings whereas exhibiting consideration of how these wants, needs, and feelings can impression others.”

Moreover, a psychological well being skilled will help information you thru the method of turning into much less passive and extra assertive. It may be useful to obtain skilled assist when you’re feeling damage and resentment because of your communication type, or when you consistently have one-sided or unhealthy relationships the place your wants aren’t met regardless of your efforts to fulfill others’ wants, says Kuburic. Whereas it might really feel unnatural at first, studying the best way to straight talk your ideas and emotions with others will mean you can really feel seen and enhance the general high quality of your relationships.