Passive-aggressive individuals not often inform you precisely what’s bothering them. As a substitute, their frustration slips out in refined methods: a backhanded joke, a heavy sigh, an uncharacteristically curt textual content—all of which may go away you questioning, Are they secretly upset, or am I simply overthinking?
In some instances, withholding clear communication could be intentional—a strategy to drive the opposite individual to “guess” what’s mistaken (which is as unhealthy as it’s annoying). Extra typically, although, “individuals merely are afraid to talk up for themselves in a approach that’s direct,” Fanny Tristan, LCSW, a psychotherapist and founding father of Restority Area in New York Metropolis, tells SELF. “Once they’re already overwhelmed, unhappy, or disenchanted, they’ve to take a seat with these uncomfortable emotions on high of coping with the concern of claiming one thing that the opposite individual might not be glad to listen to.” That’s why, as a substitute of stating, “I don’t like this,” or “I’m upset,” they resort to the silent remedy, as an illustration, or a imprecise, “Nicely if you happen to say so….”
Nonetheless, making an attempt to reconcile what they are saying with what you sense could be exhausting. Once we lack clear data and are as a substitute met with a dismissive tone or tense physique language, our mind can’t assist however fill within the gaps, Tristan factors out—typically resulting in assumptions, overthinking, and pointless stress.
In these moments, perhaps you’re tempted to pry (“Are you positive you’re good?”)—solely to be met with irritation at how “pushy” you’re being. Otherwise you consider it after they insist nothing’s mistaken, however discover out later that there was a difficulty all alongside. So what are you speculated to do? Learn on for expert-approved recommendations on the way to deal with passive-aggressive habits.
1. Think about the context earlier than reacting.
Not each brief textual content or second of silence that feels passive-aggressive truly is. Perhaps your pal is being curt as a result of they’re busy or distracted, or your companion isn’t irritated with you—they’re preoccupied with unrelated household drama.
So earlier than you begin spiraling into assumptions, Tristan suggests taking a step again and contemplating all of the info: Did you do something which may have upset them? Might any exterior elements be accountable for their “totally different” tone? It could possibly be the case that your boss is snappy as a result of they’ve a high-stakes assembly later, as an illustration, or your roommate is simply the kind of one that at all times sends “Ok” replies through the workweek. Taking this attitude helps you choose your battles and keep away from pointless conflicts. That approach, you’re not nitpicking each interplay that appears “off.”
2. Don’t meet passive aggression with passive aggression.
As tempting as it’s to retort with a equally backhanded remark, resist that urge. “You don’t must ignore what’s taking place, however you additionally shouldn’t meet them the place they’re,” Dralisa Younger, LCSW, founder and scientific director of Favourite Remedy PLLC, tells SELF. In any other case, you’ll solely escalate that oblique stress, which is why it’s finest to keep up calm, clear communication.
3. Ask for clarification.
When doubtful, Younger suggests gently asking for readability—one thing like, “You don’t sound that excited—are you positive you’re okay?” or just, “What do you imply by that?”