Suppose one in every of you cheated, although, or was in any other case blindsided and bitter about by no means getting closure. In these instances, Sharoni says it’s arduous to genuinely be pals when potential emotional baggage (within the type of anger, damage, bitterness, or heartbreak) continues to be weighing you down.
4. Is that this determination mutual?
Perhaps solely one in every of you genuinely desires to stay friends—whereas the opposite is agreeing to keep away from awkwardness. It doesn’t matter who’s through which state of affairs, Dr. Shaw says: A friendship can’t thrive when there isn’t mutual curiosity and energy.
“It’s a must to ask your self not simply, ‘What emotions do I’ve?’ but additionally, ‘What emotions may they have?’” Dr. Shaw says. Having an easy dialog (“I simply wish to make certain we’re each on the identical web page about protecting issues strictly platonic”) can prevent each from blended indicators and unrealistic expectations. “As a result of even in case you’re tremendous being cordial and have zero attraction left, your former associate is probably not in the identical place,” she provides.
5. Do we now have sufficient in widespread to be pals?
Whereas relationship, plenty of issues could make your bond really feel particular—emotional vulnerability, electrifying chemistry, even nice intercourse. However when these affectionate parts are gone, there is probably not a lot holding this friendship collectively.
“If you happen to’re struggling to seek out dialog—or solely revolving it round your previous, then this dynamic is probably not friendship materials,” Dr. Shaw says—through which case, going your separate methods may very well be a greater transfer. However when you have plenty of shared pursuits and hobbies (a mutual love for enjoying tennis or an appreciation for A24 movies), then there’s a basis for significant companionship.
6. Do I’ve different pals, or will they be my solely help?
Even when they was once your go-to individual for every little thing, your ex can’t hold enjoying that position. In any other case, it turns into a lot simpler to blur the strains between friendship and one thing extra, Sharoni says—which is why it’s necessary to depend on multiple individual for validation, emotional safety, and recommendation.
“Ensuring you’ve a broader help system additionally offers you built-in accountability,” Dr. Shaw provides. These folks can name you out in the event that they discover something off—perhaps you’re texting your ex suspiciously late at night time or giving them presents {that a} associate (versus a pal) would. In the end, the extra unbiased you’re from them, the higher likelihood your companionship has to thrive with out previous lovey patterns creeping in.
7. Might I nonetheless be pals with them in the event that they began relationship somebody new?
It’s straightforward to calmly flirt while you’re each freshly single. Finally, although, not less than one in every of you may begin relationship once more in some unspecified time in the future—and that’s when the true check of your “platonic” nature comes into play.
“Image your self supporting your ex-partner in a brand new relationship,” Dr. Shaw suggests. “If that is one thing you’re fortunately prepared to do, then perhaps you’ve moved on sufficient to be in a friendship.” But when this situation stirs up pangs of jealousy? Unhappiness? Discomfort? Rage? These sturdy reactions might sign that maybe your intentions for protecting an ex in your life are extra than simply pleasant—and may very well be tied to your lingering emotions.
8. What would my new associate take into consideration this “friendship”?
It’s additionally necessary to think about how your new or future beau would really feel about your friendship with an ex. As a place to begin, Sharoni recommends asking your self, “Would I be snug if a present associate have been aware of my conversations with my ex? Equally necessary, would they be okay with it?” If the vibes are actually as platonic as you declare, being clear about your companionship shouldn’t really feel awkward or compelled, she says. There shouldn’t be any cause to get defensive or uncomfortable—and undoubtedly nothing to your subsequent associate to be suspicious about.
9. Can I settle for the chance that our connection gained’t look the identical?
“Wholesome friendships, particularly with exes, require an acceptance of change,” Sharoni says. In different phrases, your new model of friendship may imply an occasional recreation of pickleball or drinks in a big group, somewhat than late-night FaceTime calls and film nights.