Exes are often exes for good purpose(s), so should you’re relationship somebody who isn’t precisely passionate about theirs, that doesn’t mechanically make them a monster. A bit lingering resentment after a breakup—particularly a very dangerous one—is regular, however when somebody describes all of their previous companions as whole nightmares? That may be a serious relationship purple flag to watch out for.
“Each certainly one of us ought to be capable to acknowledge some classes we’ve realized from our earlier romances,” Gina Senarighi, PhD, a {couples} counselor primarily based in Madison, Wisconsin, and the writer of Love Extra Combat Much less, A Communication Workbook for Each Couple, tells SELF. For example, perhaps your ex was horrible at speaking—however you might’ve been a greater listener too. Or issues ended as a result of they had been all the time tied up with work and late for dates however, to be truthful, you weren’t all the time understanding about their busy schedule.
On the flip aspect, should you depart a relationship considering you probably did nothing mistaken and place all of the blame in your former companion, maybe calling them “loopy,” this implies you’re not prepared to take accountability, Dr. Senarighi says. That’s an issue, as a result of with the ability to come clean with (and ideally study from) previous errors is a vital trait—analysis exhibits it’s related to virtues like empathy, self-awareness, and forgiveness, all of that are key for forming wholesome relationships.
One other factor to contemplate, based on Dr. Senarighi: Trash-talking exes can reveal rather a lot about somebody’s character—and the way in which they could discuss you sometime. Give it some thought: In the event that they’re comfy labeling individuals they as soon as dated and cherished as “loopy” or “insane,” what’s to cease them from utilizing the identical hurtful language to explain you?
After all, there are exceptions: Perhaps their ex actually was a jerk or did one thing terrible that justifies some lingering bitterness. Or they only have an unlucky knack for choosing all of the mistaken individuals. Regardless, as a substitute of merely nodding alongside, Dr. Senarighi says it’s a good suggestion to ask why they’re portray their former companion in such a unfavorable gentle.
How they reply, she says, may give you some helpful perception into what you’re coping with. Let’s say they name their ex “psycho” or “unhinged,” for instance, and if you ask for extra particulars, they reveal that this individual consistently cheated on or gaslit them. Dr. Senarighi says this isn’t essentially a purple flag since their unkind phrases are a response to emotional ache—slightly than a sample of blaming others or simply being an asshole.
Nonetheless, in the event that they deflect (“I don’t know, they only turned out to be fully nuts!”) or dismiss your issues (“Who cares? It’s prior to now now!”), that signifies that there are most likely extra deep-rooted points occurring, like an absence of empathy or self-awareness, that you simply wish to keep away from, Dr. Senarighi says. In any other case, you’ll doubtless find yourself on their record of “exes from hell,” at some point too.
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