How To Tell if Someone Is Playing the Victim and Respond

Have you ever talked to somebody who appears to assume the world is in opposition to them? Irrespective of the state of affairs, if there’s a unfavourable end result for them, they all the time declare it’s another person’s fault. Possibly you are feeling such as you’re working out of recommendation to offer them due to their seemingly countless misfortunes. Figuring out how you can establish when somebody is definitely getting the quick finish of the stick versus taking part in the sufferer and how you can cease this conduct in its tracks is important for safeguarding your well-being.

Because it seems, those that play the sufferer are sometimes looking for sympathy or consideration within the individuals whom they topic to their sufferer mentality. In spite of everything, you’re most likely extra doubtless to assist somebody out when you assume they’re dealing with a relentless onslaught of unhealthy luck… however for these taking part in the sufferer, the key phrase is taking part in. That means, they’re not actually a sufferer in all of the circumstances they bemoan. Reasonably, they’re downplaying their very own position in contributing to these poor outcomes.

Under, consultants break down what it actually means to play the sufferer, why individuals do it, how you can spot this conduct in motion, and how you can cope with it—each in others and in your self.

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What does it imply to play the sufferer?

Enjoying the sufferer just about means what it feels like. “People who find themselves known as ‘taking part in the sufferer’ really feel that folks and circumstances are in opposition to them, out to get them, or that they’re unfortunate,” says medical psychologist Monica Vermani, CPsych, who focuses on trauma, abuse, and relationships. “Knowingly or unknowingly, they repeat patterns the place they relinquish their energy and company; permit themselves to be dominated, directed, and guided by others; and blame others when issues don’t work out as they’d have most popular.”

“Knowingly or unknowingly, [people who play the victim] repeat patterns the place they relinquish their energy and company…and blame others when issues don’t work out as they’d have most popular.” —Monica Vermani, CPsych, medical psychologist

That is the one who is continually wrapped up in pal drama however claiming they by no means have any position in beginning or perpetuating it; or the one who loves complaining about their job, relationship, or different life circumstances however received’t do something to vary the state of affairs.

Why would somebody play the sufferer?

Enjoying the sufferer is “usually executed for sympathy, consideration, or to keep away from accountability,” says neuropsychologist Sanam Hafeez, PsyD. This individual might want assist or an avoidance of accountability, she provides, in order that they play sufferer both consciously or unconsciously.

Sarcastically, taking part in the sufferer may assist somebody really feel empowered. “It can provide the phantasm of being in management,” says Dr. Vermani. In spite of everything, they’re spinning a selected narrative to persuade others (and maybe themselves) that life is simply being unfair to them, thus briefly absolving them from emotions of guilt or disgrace round their unlucky circumstances. However in actuality, “the unwillingness or resistance to taking part in an energetic position of their life selections and actions is a serious supply of their resentment, lack of company, and lack of self-determination,” she says.

To make certain, somebody who’s taking part in the sufferer is just not genuinely the sufferer of a unfavourable state of affairs; in actual fact, people who find themselves really responding to trauma sometimes distort the expertise and blame themselves in an effort not to be seen as victims. “Enjoying the sufferer is a technique of manipulation with a purpose to get one’s wants met,” says trauma-informed relationship therapist Amelia Kelley, PhD, LCMHC, podcaster, researcher, and co-author of What I Want I Knew. She provides that people who play the sufferer usually wrestle to self-empower in different methods.

How will you inform if somebody is taking part in the sufferer?

You’ll discover completely different behaviors in somebody who’s taking part in the sufferer versus somebody who’s really a sufferer. When individuals play sufferer, Dr. Hafeez says, they shift the blame, refuse to take accountability, have interaction in manipulative conduct, and self-sabotage. Whereas with precise victimhood, she says, there’s extra real trauma and a lack of management.

Under, you’ll discover 11 frequent indicators from the consultants that somebody is taking part in the sufferer.

1. They’ve a unfavourable idea of self

An individual who performs sufferer will usually bad-mouth themselves or go on and on about how a lot they despise who they’re. And the psychological thought processes underscoring this dialogue can flip cyclical, too: Adverse self-talk can result in self-sabotage and low shallowness, says Dr. Kelley, creating extra causes for, properly, unfavourable self-talk.

2. They shift blame onto others for all poor outcomes

As a substitute of seeing failures or conflicts as alternatives for private development, somebody with a sufferer mentality will keep away from acknowledging them completely, says Dr. Kelley, by passing blame or duties onto others—even once they had a transparent and vital position within the state of affairs.

Reasonably than take accountability for their very own actions, says Dr. Hafeez, they may make excuses, deflect criticism, deny wrongdoing, or in any other case painting themselves as a helpless sufferer of circumstance. Generally, this could even go as far as to show into gaslighting, the place they lead others to query their very own actuality or recollection of an occasion in a method that serves their sufferer narrative.

3. They wrestle to take care of secure relationships

Due to their want to be seen because the martyr in each circumstance, an individual taking part in the sufferer is usually codependent on companions or buddies, says Dr. Kelley, counting on their fixed approval to really feel okay within the relationship. This may flip right into a repeating sample in almost each relationship they’ve, as they lack perception into their position within the problem.

4. They exaggerate hardships

If an individual usually dramatizes their unfavourable experiences, that may be one other signal that they’re taking part in the sufferer, says Dr. Hafeez. They spin these grand tales to garner further sympathy, consideration, and validation, she explains. Even (and maybe particularly) when the state of affairs doesn’t warrant such a sympathetic response, they’ll dial up their struggles with a purpose to get an increase out of others.

5. They manipulate others’ feelings

Talking of getting an increase out of individuals… An individual who performs the sufferer will purposefully faucet into others’ sense of empathy or sympathy and even guilt-trip them into pondering they brought about the faux-victim’s misfortunes, says Dr. Hafeez. It’s all a way to “management or affect the conduct of these round them, usually to their very own benefit,” she says.

Alongside taking part in the sufferer, indicators of manipulation embrace isolating somebody, pressuring them to make selections urgently, gaslighting them, and utilizing passive-aggressive conduct.

6. They depict themselves as powerless

Individuals who play the sufferer usually act passively or painting themselves as being on the mercy of others, says Dr. Vermani. Additional, she says, they don’t work towards altering or enhancing their unfavourable state of affairs, lest it grow to be apparent that they really aren’t simply the sufferer of their circumstances and might affect their very own lot in life.

7. They wrestle with their psychological well being

Psychological well being points may be each a trigger and an impact of regularly taking part in the sufferer. Dr. Vermani says individuals with a sufferer mentality are likely to exhibit low shallowness; wrestle with assertiveness and communication; and expertise signs of low temper, excessive stress, and anxiousness.

8. They react defensively to criticism

When you attempt to make solutions to this individual about how they could enhance their circumstances themselves or observe how they is perhaps taking part in a task in their very own misfortune, they may doubtless soar to the protection. “They’ll defend their lack of motion and misread the efforts of those that attempt to assist them as an assault, as a result of their low shallowness,” Dr. Vermani explains.

9. They like validation over options

Compelled by their low shallowness, Dr. Vermani says, these people usually pity themselves. In flip, they’d sometimes relatively hear validation from others of how unhealthy their state of affairs is, versus doubtlessly useful options or concepts for stopping such a unfavourable end result sooner or later. (The entire latter, in spite of everything, would require responsibility-taking and work on their finish.)

10. They continuously evaluate themselves to others

Within the thoughts of somebody who performs the sufferer, there’s an countless loop of, “However everybody else has it higher than I do,” which is how they frequently validate their sense of victimization, says Dr. Vermani. When you discover that somebody is continually mentioning how others are a lot luckier or happier or extra profitable than they’re, that’s an indication they could be taking part in the sufferer.

11. They have interaction in dichotomous pondering

An individual who performs the sufferer tends to see conditions as all good or all unhealthy, with no in-between or grey space. Typically fueled by anxiousness, such “black and white pondering” tends to bolster the sufferer mindset: As they view any small inconvenience or minor misfortune as a completely unhealthy state of affairs, it helps their notion that they’re frequently and unfairly the sufferer.

What’s the psychology of people that play the sufferer?

The psychology behind taking part in the sufferer can stem from a wide range of cognitive, emotional, and social components, says Dr. Hafeez. On the cognitive entrance, taking part in the sufferer generally is a cognitive distortion, or a biased perception somebody holds about themselves or the world round them that causes them to get caught in a unfavourable pondering sample. Dr. Hafeez provides the instance of the attribution error, the place individuals misattribute unfavourable outcomes solely to exterior components, disregarding their very own contributions.

Others who play the sufferer could have skilled trauma that broke down their self-image or notion of their very own coping expertise, says Dr. Hafeez. Or, on the flip facet, they could have obtained some sort of constructive profit from the sufferer conduct that incentivizes them to proceed it.

As famous above, psychological well being points can even issue into sufferer conduct. Needing fixed validation and assist from others, eager to keep away from the discomfort of taking accountability for unfavourable conditions, and coping with low shallowness can all set off a sufferer mentality.

Certainly, Dr. Kelley says people who play the sufferer usually wrestle with insecurity, imposter syndrome, and/or an insecure attachment fashion. Enjoying the sufferer will also be linked to rejection delicate dysphoria (which is frequent in consideration deficit hyperactivity dysfunction), post-traumatic stress dysfunction, melancholy, and anxiousness problems.

Past such temper problems, Dr. Vermani factors to dysfunctional households. “The sufferer persona is usually one thing that we purchase from our household of origin,” she says, noting how we mannequin our actions primarily based on the relationships we witness as children. “We will be taught from members of the family that holding grudges; looking for validation for sufferer standing; being unwilling to forgive and neglect; and being harsh, crucial, and judgmental whereas taking no accountability is a suitable method of interacting.”

Is taking part in the sufferer narcissism?

Narcissistic persons are susceptible to taking part in the sufferer (however each one that performs the sufferer isn’t essentially a narcissist). Among the many varieties of narcissists, the sufferer narcissist, specifically, makes use of the sufferer mentality to persuade these round them that others are continuously out to get them and that they’re 100-percent harmless, thus garnering assist and affection.

“By portraying themselves as victims, [narcissists] can deflect blame, keep away from accountability, and manipulate others for sympathy and validation,” says Dr. Hafeez. “This conduct reinforces their sense of entitlement and superiority whereas exploiting social dynamics to their benefit.”

“By portraying themselves as victims, [narcissists] can deflect blame, keep away from accountability, and manipulate others for sympathy and validation.” —Sanam Hafeez, PsyD, medical psychologist

The extra they depict themselves as a sufferer, the extra doubtless others are to stay by their facet and assist them, which can be extremely interesting to the narcissist who craves consideration, says Dr. Kelley. On this method, the narcissist makes use of victimhood to make the most of different individuals’s sympathy.

How do you cope with somebody who performs the sufferer?

Do a self check-in

Step one is acknowledging and taking inventory of the way you’re doing—with self-compassion. “Acknowledge the damaging results {that a} relationship with somebody with a ‘sufferer’ mentality has on you,” Dr. Vermani says.

This would possibly appear to be doing a physique scan meditation (or, bringing your consciousness to how completely different components of your physique really feel, or the place your emotions are displaying up in your physique) or just being sincere with your self in regards to the methods by which this individual’s conduct has brought about you stress.

Set compassionate (however agency) boundaries

It’s essential to acknowledge that this individual’s experiences and emotions are legitimate for them, and on the identical time, their actions are harming or depleting you, says Dr. Kelley. (Two issues may be true without delay.) Provided that all of us have restricted assets, you could must set boundaries across the time and vitality you’re devoting to this individual, so you may preserve your assets on your personal duties and well-being.

That may appear to be speaking that you just’ll solely be accessible for assist throughout sure timeframes or in regard to explicit subjects and in any other case suggesting that they communicate with a psychological well being skilled, says Dr. Kelley. You can too set boundaries round the way you have interaction with them: Maybe you refuse to have interaction in enabling behaviors or in providing extreme sympathy, says Dr. Hafeez, with a purpose to keep away from reinforcing their sufferer mentality.

Keep goal

After listening to their emotional retelling of sure misfortunes or unfavourable occasions, it might be exhausting to not fall into the lure they’ve set. However Dr. Hafeez encourages you to strive. “Concentrate on info and actuality relatively than getting caught up of their exaggerated narratives,” she says.

Present empathy whereas additionally encouraging problem-solving

Providing compassion to an individual who feels as if they’re all the time the sufferer is essential. In spite of everything, their conduct could stem from “deep-seated emotional ache or unresolved psychological points,” says Dr. Hafeez. That mentioned, it’s essential to be discerning about the way you present that assist and the way a lot of it you provide: Validating all of their tales or repeatedly rescuing them will simply additional reinforce and allow their sufferer mindset.

As a substitute, Dr. Hafeez recommends specializing in the feelings effervescent up for this individual, versus the flowery tales they’re telling. “Acknowledge their emotions whereas gently difficult distortions of their tales,” she suggests. You can too provide constructive suggestions and assist them find options to their issues. Even when they’re resistant at first, a delicate nudge towards empowerment can assist them start to develop self-awareness and keep away from perpetuating the victimhood cycle.

Keep perspective

If the victim-player is tossing blame in your path or suggesting that you’re the rationale for his or her misfortunes in any method, it’s essential to maintain a agency grip in your actuality, and keep away from permitting your self to be guilt-tripped into taking up accountability for his or her well-being, says Dr. Hafeez. “Do not forget that their conduct is just not a mirrored image of your price or capabilities.”

Encompass your self with constructive individuals

Being round somebody who’s continuously taking part in the sufferer may be energetically and emotionally draining. Conversely, spending time with individuals who fill your cup can revitalize you. For that cause, Dr. Vermani says it’s all of the extra essential to encompass your self with constructive individuals everytime you’re coping with somebody who continuously has one thing to complain about.

One other essential factor to recollect: You’re all the time allowed to straight-up finish a relationship with the victim-player, if you’d like or must.

Encourage skilled assist

Therapists obtain particular coaching and schooling in dealing with conditions like these (they usually receives a commission for it!). You’ll be able to present assist to each your self and the opposite individual by encouraging them to see knowledgeable, who can establish any underlying mental-health points which may be inflicting their sufferer conduct and assist them develop more healthy coping mechanisms, says Dr. Hafeez.

How do I cease taking part in sufferer?

When you assume that *you are* the one taking part in the sufferer, it is definitely doable to work towards undoing this tendency with self-reflection and conduct change. Consultants define steps to take under.

Establish indicators of this conduct

Psychoeducation is vital. “Step one to remedy is consciousness,” says Dr. Vermani, urging individuals to be conscious of instances they have a tendency to play the sufferer. “Discover if you find yourself making the selection not to just accept accountability or tackle the work of problem-solving, or blaming others.” Changing into extra self-aware can assist you establish insecurities and fears so you may handle them successfully, too, Dr. Hafeez provides.

Be introspective

“When you really feel like you might be all the time faultless and everyone seems to be all the time out to ‘get you,’ take a second for conscious introspection about your half within the dynamics in your individual life,” Dr. Kelley says.

“Remind your self of your inner locus of management.” —Amelia Kelley, PhD, LCMHC, trauma-informed relationship therapist

Are there any adjustments you could make to enhance your life indirectly? “Remind your self of your inner locus of management,” says Dr. Kelley, referring to the flexibility all of us must affect and make adjustments to our personal actuality. “Ask your self, ‘If I did take accountability for this case, relationship, problem—how would possibly I attempt to affect it?’” she suggests. The solutions that come up can empower you to behave, relatively than merely claiming sufferer standing.

Reframe negatives as alternatives for development

Once you wind up in a unfavourable state of affairs and begin to blame others on your misfortune, take into account the way you would possibly reframe the unhealthy end result as motivation for development.

For instance, when you discover that you just hold having the thought, “Nobody ever likes me,” you would possibly regulate it to, “I haven’t discovered my individuals but,” or “Possibly I might profit from studying extra about how you can discover buddies.” In any case, the purpose isn’t to evaluate your self (as judgment may be counterproductive); it’s to discover a answer to an issue that doesn’t relaxation solely on exterior components.

Construct your shallowness

The extra assured you are feeling in your self and your capabilities, the much less you’ll fall into the behavior of regularly perceiving your self because the sufferer of your circumstances, says Dr. Hafeez. Some shallowness boosters embrace solely speaking to your self such as you’d speak to a pal (You wouldn’t needlessly criticize a pal, proper?) and repeating affirming “I’m” mantras, like “I’m constructive,” “I’m cherished,” and “I’m sort” to your individual face within the mirror every morning and every evening earlier than mattress.

Remind your self of the implications of taking part in the sufferer

Taking motion to problem-solve your points or in any other case enhance your individual life would possibly really feel undesirable, particularly after having fun with the illusory comforts that taking part in the sufferer can deliver. So, Dr. Vermani recommends reminding your self that whenever you don’t take motion and select responsible or disgrace others as a substitute, you’re additionally relinquishing your individual energy.

Set reasonable targets

Utterly altering your mindset and dropping a sufferer mentality that you just’ve clung to for a while can really feel daunting—so strive to not put an excessive amount of stress on your self. “Breaking free from the sample of taking part in the sufferer generally is a transformative journey requiring self-reflection and dedication,” Dr. Hafeez says.

With that in thoughts, she encourages setting small targets alongside the best way and celebrating your progress whenever you hit them. For instance, possibly by no means taking part in the sufferer once more is simply too lofty a aim from the outset, however maybe you may set a smaller aim round merely figuring out moments whenever you is perhaps taking part in the sufferer or catching your self in unproductive thought patterns and pausing to regulate.

Search assist from professionals and family members

Simply as you would possibly counsel a pal who continuously performs the sufferer search psychological well being assist, you can even profit from working with a therapist to interrupt free from this unhelpful mentality and reconnect with your self, says Dr. Vermani.

Specifically, take into account trying to find a therapist who practices actuality remedy, which is a type of cognitive behavioral remedy (CBT) targeted on altering your conduct (as a result of that’s all you may actually change) to get what you need.

Buddies, household, and different family members may be further assist individuals as you undergo this course of (simply bear in mind they must deal with themselves, too). When you inform them that you just’re seeking to let go of this behavioral behavior, they can assist you pinpoint when, precisely, you’re taking part in the sufferer and provide concepts for productive problem-solving (versus casting blame).